


The shapes of trust.

by Yui_Miyamoto



Category: Finder no Hyouteki | Finder Series
Genre: Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Cross-Posted on LiveJournal, M/M, Non-Explicit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:47:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28255650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yui_Miyamoto/pseuds/Yui_Miyamoto
Summary: Recalling things of the past, Tao is confronted dead-center with his feelings for his master.  And Fei Long must open his eyes to the truth.
Relationships: Liu Fei Long/Tao, Liu Fei Long/Yoh (Finder Series)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 13





	1. Part 1 / Past – The flower, the blindfold, the promise.

**Disclaimer: Finder no Hyouteki is the wonderful creation of the awesome and gorgeous Yamane Ayano-sensei.**  
  
  
 _And the cycle begins._  
 _What a cruel man, a gorgeous lilac mountain of shimmering ice. Does he really think I’m immune to him?_  
  
With steam rising in the bathroom, the eighteen-year-old boy stands at the transparent shower door and waits with a towel in his hand. He’s been in this stance for as long as he can remember being in service to his master. But as he got older, his admiration grew along with a stirring pain for him, not quite understanding why he couldn’t make those feelings go away. Like water sizzling in a pan of oil, this work and that feeling were supposed to remain separated.   
  
Never to mix.   
  
He swallows hard as he catches a glimpse of his master’s moist body, the water running down the defined muscles of his arms, torso, thighs, and calves as well as the visage that becomes more chiseled in its alabaster beauty, time mending its smooth firmness.   
  
The boy’s hand tightens under the towel.   
  
_Why is it whenever I stand here, I’m always reminded of Yoh’s words?_  
  
Shhhhrrt. The shower stops.   
When the older man with the dripping, waist-length hair steps out onto the mat, he takes the large white bath towel. The boy glimpses at his master’s face and gives a heartfelt grin, aching all the same. “Here you are, Fei-sama.”   
  
It’s this very second that Fei Long looks forward to each day that passes under their dark sun. No matter how the day has gone, without fail, this is the tranquil light that touches his battered sense of self.   
  
But like always, he never gives a hint that it means everything to him.   
  
Helping to dry his master’s shoulders, the boy’s guilt rises.   
_/“Always be attentive. I’m leaving you to guard him during that time. You never know where people will come from so I entrust him to you when I am not there.”/_  
  
 _And so, Yoh…_  
 _…who will protect him from_ me _?_   
  
  
**The shapes of trust.**  
 **By Miyamoto Yui**  
  
  
 **Part 1 / Past – The flower, the blindfold, the promise.**  
  
  
“You always look me straight in the eye, don’t you, Tao?”   
  
Being that unguarded in front of the young man, Fei Long is startled by the sound of his own voice, his silent thoughts said aloud. Immediately, his lips tighten in consternation.   
Tao continues to pat Fei Long’s shoulders and fix any creases in his clothing despite the change in demeanor. Undisturbed, he replies to his master’s reflection in the mirror, “When have I ever turned away from you?”   
  
The Baishe leader expects it though. Invisible landmines wait to be stepped on, ready to explode and destroy their delicate balance at any time. And with the way he’d raised him, the boy’s mouth never hesitates to shoot off their unintended bullets of truth. Due to their sincerity, they hit their target perfectly every time.   
  
What’s worse is that they’re both unaware the boy is the master’s choice of death.   
  
Deep inside Tao’s mind, he’s concerned over that miniscule change in his master’s mood, that slight grimace of displeasure. He doesn’t want to make him unhappy in any way.   
  
_Here with me, I want you to feel relaxed._  
  
He’d never want to lose Fei Long’s favor, but he’s also disappointed in himself. Did he do poorly in taking care of him tonight?   
Anything less than perfect is unacceptable. It’s their unwritten code.   
  
However, there’s one thing Tao can’t seem to do: Time and again, he’s failed to smooth out the bullet wound that wouldn’t heal.   
  
Fei Long’s eyes glide over the scar of his heart.   
  
_What would make you say such a thing and instantly look annoyed? Let it be anything else but you suspecting what’s really going through my head..._  
  
  
After helping the master dress, they go over to the leather chair in front of a wide, square mirror. The boy pulls it so that Fei Long faces his direction. Then, he grabs a soft yellow towel to wipe the water from the long, shiny silk threads of hair, pinching his index fingers and thumbs at the ends. While leaning forward, he catches the light musk of his master mixed with fresh water and shampoo. Knowing Fei Long won’t see, he peers at the crown of his head with a solemn face and takes a long steady breath, trying to keep his carnal impulses inside the cage of his body.   
  
_Damn it, this scent drives me insane! And you’re the very reason I have a hair feti-_  
  
Fei Long’s forehead brushes against his stomach and then pushes on it. Tao flinches, pulling his stomach muscles inward without thinking.   
  
The contact thins his resolve to a sliver of self-control.   
  
“Fei-sama?” the boy manages to calmly ask while vigorously drying his master’s hair with both his palms rubbing against the towel, his heart matching the frenzied action.   
“How long have you been doing this for me?” the creamy voice inquires.   
“Wouldn’t you know better than me?” he teases back, unable to repress his delight at being acknowledged.   
  
Despite inner conflicts, Tao cocks his head to one side with a twinkle in his eye.   
At that moment, he covers Fei Long’s head with the towel. Underneath it, while vigorously drying the various strands of hair, the boy thought he saw it: A sweet smile on those ever stern lips.   
  
He stops breathing as his heart melts, making his fingers become very warm.   
  
_I love you, but when will you ever confide in me? When will you allow yourself to see me as a man?_  
  
 _How long will it take for me to become your equal?_  
  
Fei Long notices his temperature rising and embraces the heat, not guilty at all for provoking this reaction out of the boy.   
  
But within these minutes of comfortability, a rare opportunity to escape his title, Asami’s deep voice invades his thoughts: **/“Don’t you have anyone you trust?”/**   
  
**Even if I’m training him to be what he’ll become in the future, it still hasn’t corrupted him. I’ve been watching carefully, waiting for it to approach and corner him.**  
  
 **It is inevitable, yet I still can’t give him to this world. But this isn’t my choice to make.**  
  
 **Father…**  
 **why is it only now I understand your thoughts about Yanzhui and me?**  
  
Submerged in his own worries, Tao fails to notice that his master yearns to wrap his arms around him. But reason wins out and Fei Long holds himself back.   
  
In their silences, the both of them think from the recesses of their hearts, “This time will end someday too. It is only a matter of how.”   
  
**+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/**  
  
Fei Long leaves for a meeting with Yoh and three other skilled members as Tao takes a nap before his next duty at midnight. Sleeping atop the covers, he spreads himself out like an exasperated starfish. Soon, he tosses from side to side in irritation.   
He can’t switch his brain off, especially after the master turning him on. The forehead pushing against his stomach. The smell of his skin. The feel of running his fingers through his thick hair to untangle the damp knots.   
  
Being alone in bed with nothing else to focus on, the boy couldn’t help but drown in those tempting images until they saturate all of his body…   
  
Getting up from the bed, he takes a quick shower to erase the evidence of all his dirty thoughts. But it never stops the insanity growing inside his chest, the craving to win over the man who lives inside his master’s body.   
  
The one who hides behind his position.   
  
_/“I want to go with you, Fei-sama,” I said with tears in my eyes._  
  
 _It was a futile wish. Master didn’t have that kind of time with all his responsibilities. He appeared to be floating along, but flipping the situation, he was always working, scrupulously planning with the façade of being too impulsive._  
 _When he threw the dice to gamble though, he ultimately followed his instinct._  
  
 _Because I was constantly beside him, I knew it more than anyone._  
  
 _Unreasonable as it was, at least on this day I wanted to wander outside the building. Even for a little while._  
  
 _Pressing my hands onto the glass window, I watched the people down below freely walking about. Sometimes, I’d view them through binoculars to see their expressions. It was a passing hobby of mine since my demanding master insisted that I stay next to him, especially after being in the hospital. He was never able to forgive himself for_  
  
 _leaving me there because at that time and for my sake, it was the safest option,_  
 _allowing Yoh to take advantage of the situation and subconsciously tempting him to do it,_  
 _not being able to tame his emotions that a mere child was brave enough to sacrifice his life for his sake._  
  
 _I didn’t mind it at all since I could help him in some way, but today was-_  
  
 _Knock, knock._  
 _I sat straight up on the edge of my bed._  
 _“Tao,” Yoh’s muted, yet assertive voice called out to me through the door._  
 _“Yes?” I answered, scrimmaging to wipe my eyes._  
 _“He needs you to come immediately because we are going out.”_  
  
 _I quickly glanced at the clock on the wall. It read 10:02pm._  
 _Opening the door with my pajamas on, I looked up to Yoh’s tall figure with my eyebrows knitting together, but said nothing._  
 _“Here.” He handed me a box. “Wear that.”_  
 _Quickly, I changed and looked at the handsome new outfit I’d been offered. (I had no time to check the mirror but I’d inspect it later.) Then, we headed to the master’s car, which was waiting downstairs with Fei-sama already inside of it._  
  
 _I bowed my head in greeting, but he kept silent, his hands folded in his lap._  
 _For some reason, he seemed troubled. And without thinking, I put my hand on his head, my fingers touching his scalp as if I could magically make the pain go away._  
  
 _What’s wrong?_  
  
 _But he didn’t scold me and nor did he reject the open display of affection._  
  
 _When I pulled my hand away, I caught Yoh’s eyes in the rearview mirror peeking at me and then he watched the road once more._  
  
 _In the bustle of the night market, I felt at home. I’d forgotten this feeling of walking through the zigzag paths with the barrage of goods displayed on wires. The aroma of fried food and drinks that could only be found here. It wasn’t like I didn’t know or visit these places, but I could only pass through. I was not allowed to immerse for too long._  
 _Somehow, I sensed I’d never return if I didn’t choose to._  
  
 _But I always did because Fei-sama, despite protests, came once in a while to observe. To understand things that were around him but couldn’t touch. To see people as they were, drifting near them, but never fully engaging. Following the music of life where it led but never really able to clutch onto it._  
 _Maybe that’s why he indulged me. It gave him an excuse to._  
  
 _Crossing over a walkway connecting one building to another, I glanced at his back and the solid shoulders and then at Yoh next to me, his eyes ever roving, calculating potential dangers. He was incessantly vigilant even though this was our territory._  
 _No one harassed or questioned us. And if we came upon any foreigners or tourists, they wouldn’t have known anyway. Once in a while, Yoh would discuss something with a local, but my master said nothing as we strode through. I was very happy to be around people and closer than through the binoculars from my room._  
 _Everywhere we went, awe and fear surrounded the air around us. I felt it thickly through the sweat and humidity swaying under the array of lights and tides of people._  
  
 _I was sure there was another purpose in coming besides the usual business, but I had no idea what. However, I knew my master didn’t do things emptily._  
  
 _As we were walking back, there was a potted plant that had fallen onto the pavement. Before I could go over, Fei-sama squatted down to pick it up and pushed as much dirt back inside the pot. Then, he placed it back onto its small wooden stand, trying to make the flower prettily stand up straight again._  
  
 _Yoh stood next to him as I glimpsed at Fei-sama’s gentle expression, saying something more profound than words could convey._  
 _The magic of that gaze wore off. When he stood up, his lips became a thin line and the rigidness of his eyes returned._  
 _At seeing this, I suddenly felt sad. I’d seen a flower abruptly wither, but kept that grief to myself._  
 _On the way home, the question bothered me until I naively blurted out, “Why did you pick it up?” Of course, I couldn’t ask about what really depressed me._  
  
 _It didn’t have a name yet._  
  
 _That night, before I was sent back to my room, Fei-sama put his hand on the top of my head. “Thank you for accompanying me today, Tao.”_  
 _The tingling warmth left as soon as he took his hand away, but as I looked up to his face with the brightest smile I could give, I saw traces of melancholy come back…_  
  
 _…and wanted to temporarily suspend the transformation._  
  
 _I reached out for his cheeks and softly pinched them with the silliest face I could make. For the first time since I’d been with him, I saw something unimaginable: He genuinely laughed. The chuckle wasn’t exactly what I’d expected with his teeth showing and a modest glance downward._  
 _His eyes faintly shimmered before me._  
  
 _The gorgeousness stumped me into silence._  
  
 _And when I let go, he put his hand over his mouth, amused._  
 _“Good night, Fei-sama.”_  
 _When I turned around, in a snap, I felt my face burn from my cheeks all the way to my ears._  
  
 _Maybe it was a coincidence, but today was the day he’d adopted me. I was so happy he’d spent some of his precious time with me even with the business transactions in between._  
  
 _And that laugh…_  
 _It was better than any gift I could’ve ever asked for._  
  
 _When I went to bed, I sat on the edge in all my giddiness and heartache, watching the shadows mix with the light of the moon on the floor and holding onto the beautiful clothing I’d taken off. With a puzzled look, the more I thought of Fei-sama, the walls of my chest began to invisibly crack._  
  
 _They called him a vicious, heartless leader with the face of a goddess. I knew it wasn’t entirely true._  
  
 _I held the shirt against my chest and right over my heart as if I could keep it intact, recalling that he’d picked up the flower that had fallen onto the cement and the joyous sound that swiftly brightened these hard, dull walls._  
  
 _Buried as it was, laughter and empathy still lived somewhere inside Fei-sama._  
  
 _Knowing that, an eclipse occurred and changed me forever._  
 _I looked at my bony hands and untrained body, and then shut my eyes. Scrunching them up in frustration, I held the fabric even tighter in my shaking fists. He’d unknowingly given me a piece of clothing splashed with colors I always associated with him: White and light purple._  
 _Strong. Regal. Kind._  
  
 _Aloud with only the moon as my witness, I made a promise to myself. “I’ll never let this man get away from me.”_  
  
 _But how exactly was I going to do that?/_  
  
Tao makes sure to secure the holster attached to his thigh, the gun tucked perfectly under his clothes as a part of his body outline. Even in his usual uniform, he appears completely flawless.   
  
With one last look over before heading to the next task, the boy stares straight into his own somber reflection.   
  
_Will that time ever come, I wonder? I’m nowhere near where I thought I’d be._  
  
 **+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/**  
  
Tao makes his way back to where the bodyguard is standing, composed and ready for the all-nighter in front of the master’s room, this office psedo-bedroom that Fei Long built as a statement of his resilience. It’s right across the bay from his father’s, the twin buildings staring at one another.   
  
The bodyguard and the boy exchange formal nods and take a deep breath knowing what will happen next. It’s _that_ time of the year and they each have their distinct duties: The stimulant and the sedative.   
  
In other words, distractions to reality.   
Even for a night.   
  
There are no other people in the organization who know. They shouldn’t.   
  
_Behind that apathetic façade, you only come alive whenever Fei-sama’s involved. Right, Yoh?_  
  
Without another word, Yoh turns the silver-plated knob and enters Fei Long’s room, leaving the door closed and unlocked. The whole room is soundproof except for the door. They all know it’s on purpose…   
  
/At age 15, two years after the incident with Akihito…   
  
_In one of the basement rooms, I ran across the wooden floor to attack Yoh._  
  
 _Left.Pwock.Counter.Pwack.Right.Counter.Wack, Shift left.Shht. Shift Right.Shht. Bend backwards.Whoosh.Stand up. Jump…_  
  
 _Unperturbed, Yoh simply stepped back gracefully, dodging every single body part I thrashed at him in our coordinated rhythm. The flow was so smooth, I grew chagrined. Even though he’s a disciplined expert, having done this for many years, infuriation doesn’t even come close to my mounting pile of bitterness._  
  
 _Simply, I still wasn’t strong enough in every possible sense: Body, mind, and soul._  
  
 _“Why do you never question what I did back then? When I tricked you to give me the deed?”_  
 _My wrist swatted Yoh’s hand in a counter._  
 _“Because I already know the answer. You’re the same as me.”_  
 _Yoh slightly lifted his chin and tilted his head with curious eyes, but, as usual, remained tight-lipped._  
 _Moving forward, I punched with my right hand, but I missed, spinning minutely until my back was towards him. He deftly took my right upper arm and pushed my left shoulder so that my body twisted in the air, but I rolled and ran in to strike again, answering persistently while breathing heavily, “You would do anything to save Fei-sama.”_  
  
 _Why am I still so weak?! And you aren’t even sweating!_  
 _How long do I have to train to surpass yours and his strength?!_  
  
 _“But I’d betrayed him.”_  
 _I lifted my left leg to kick his neck, but he again pushed my ankle away and then squatted down._  
 _“The fact that you’re still here says something.”_  
  
 _Quickly, I turned so that I could shift my weight and kick with my right leg, aiming to ram my foot against his stomach area. Standing up straight, he made an X-shape with his forearms and grunted, knocking my ankle away with ease._  
 _I hadn’t made a dent._  
  
 _Yoh squinted and a subtle grin appeared on his lips. In another blink, it vanished._  
  
 _“But I will become stronger than him and make him mine, Yoh.”_  
 _Pwack! In a flash, he slid his leg under mine and I fell backwards with Yoh’s fingers pointed to my neck, ready to rip my throat apart. A fire ignited between his eyes, mercilessly exuding its outrage towards me._  
  
 _Seems I flipped the coin. You really do change when it comes to the master._  
  
 _The monotonous voice contained streaks of searing frostbite. “Is that a declaration?”_  
 _I looked up from the ground in defiance. “No, not quite. But I will torture you enough. However, I’m sure you’d enjoy it more than feeling like it was a punishment.”_  
 _Ignoring the remark, the savage vibrations dissipated and he held his hand out to help me up. “You do realize we’ll pay dearly for doing this behind his back.”_  
  
 _Yes, but if I didn’t, I wouldn’t reach him. That’s worse than death itself._  
  
 _After our martial arts training, we went into another basement room._  
  
 _PWOCK!_  
 _With earmuffs on, I felt a piece of my soul fade away when I clung onto Yoh’s gun, once more lowering my head and focusing on the vital points of the paper body in front of me._  
  
 _Is this what I have to exchange to have him?_  
  
 _I curled my finger against the trigger._  
  
 _So be it._  
  
 _“Tao. Yoh.” Without turning around, the tone oozed the vengeful glare accompanying it._  
  
  
 _Later on, we were taken to one of the private rooms that was only for the master’s use…_  
  
 _“You were supposed to wait until I gave the order. That instrument is the mark of your rite of passage. Why are you so impatient?”_  
 _Losing my temper, I pounded my fists on the desk. “How will I protect you if I don’t?!”_  
 _“Do you think a gun and martial arts are the only ways you can ‘protect’ me? And what do you take me for? Even now, I’m the best assassin of this organization, Tao. Or have I been so lax with you that you’ve forgotten?” He was seething, trying to keep himself in check._  
  
 _“You can’t keep me a child forever! I’m not going to be ignorant because I’m not!” Stepping forward, I continued, “You were already your brother’s right-hand man by the time you were my age!”_  
 _He closed his eyes, and though I’d seen him in many types of moods, this time, he put his hand into a fist, eyed me, and extended his arm, hitting the wall beside him vehemently._  
 _The wall cracked until it imploded into a mid-sized hole, his hand bruised and bleeding onto the oak floor. The force he’d used made it look like mere cardboard and not all the reinforced materials used to enhance his security._  
  
 _“You protect me in every other way.”_  
 _Finally, Fei Long opened his eyes. They were brimmed in red but not one tear fell._  
  
 _My mouth opened. Those words pummeled me harder than anything else he could have ever shouted at me._  
  
 _How? When have I ever done anything like that for you?_  
 _I’m powerless._  
  
 _But from my master’s eyes, he believed it to be true. And I’d tainted that trust with my juvenile act of rebellion by greedily rushing to my goal._  
  
 _“Go away from my sight.”_  
  
It was the first time Tao had shouted back at him. And he absolutely meant it.   
Sure, he’d protested before but it all came together in the end. Even if he was opinionated, it was never that drastic before.   
  
**What could have motivated him to go against me?! That he couldn’t wait until he was given permission, for it was coming!**  
  
The master looked at his throbbing hand.   
  
**It was good that I capped this before the word spread and I’d have to publicly make an example out of him.**  
  
After Fei Long turned around to stare out the window, Yoh opened the drawer with the medical supplies. He could predict most of what Fei Long was thinking.   
It made Yoh uncomfortable sometimes. He was the only one allowed to witness Tao’s honesty. To the others, Tao appeared compliant to an earnestly scary degree that stroked upon madness. The boy’s loyalty was ideal, but it made the standards of their whole group rise in a convexed way.   
  
Consequently, there were those pretending to be quiet over the matter, but were actually paranoid over the consequences of even scratching their leader’s ‘special property’, the one who could become a worse threat than Yoh.   
  
At this point, being the exact intersection where the group and Fei Long’s leadership (while serving as the barricade also), only Yoh knew the truth though. Of how he and Fei Long kept Tao too close to a fault and that Tao was more in love with their leader than he’d let on. They, fortunately, mistook it as fervent devotion and nothing resembling the reality.   
He’d made sure they’d only perceive it that way.   
  
The master sighed. “It was as you’d predicted.”   
  
**For the organization. And especially for him.**  
  
By the lifeless way he’d said it, Yoh knew that this wasn’t the option Fei Long had wanted Tao to choose.   
  
Not lifting his head, he took Fei Long’s left hand and began to wipe it with alcohol before wrapping it with a bandage.   
  
Being so alike in that respect, they’re blind to one another.   
Maybe, we all are.  /   
  
**+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/**  
  
/After being admonished for secretly training, a few weeks passed.   
  
He was allowed to continue with Yoh’s guidance and received a custom weapon with Fei Long’s approval, representing that he’d become one of the rotating guards outside his door. From then on, he’d keep watch until Yoh relieved him.   
  
That night, for reasons unknown, Tao felt uneasy. He was too conscious of the gun tucked under his clothes while his mind fought to stay alert. Many nights already lapsed by, but the memory of his master’s wrath and anguish over him acquiring permission to carry arms continued to haunt him.   
  
_”You can no longer turn back. You share this responsibility with me,” Yoh’s eyes said as he handed me the weapon that Fei Long himself handpicked: A vintage, semi auto silver handgun._  
  
 _As I held it my hands, I wondered how could something so aesthetically pretty with its sleek sheen, be so deadly? But then again, the same could be said for a katana and many other weapons lined up on the walls of our basement._  
  
At around midnight, Tao heard loud shuffling in the room and muffled shouts of pain. It died down for a few seconds until something violently hit the wall.   
  
PATON~! It was followed by another destructive pounding.   
  
_What’s going on in there?! Should I-_  
  
“Tao, come inside,” Fei Long said through the door. The tone was eerily serene.   
  
Apprehensively, Tao was afraid of what was on the other side.   
  
When he opened and closed the door behind him, his eyes opened in shock to find all four of the carved rosewood chairs pushed to their sides with their matching table overturned, distorted scratches on the walls, and pieces of broken, indistinguishable items scattered everywhere.   
  
In the center of it all, a shirtless Yoh knelt on the ground with a blindfold, half-zippered pants, and a rope binding his wrists together in back of him.   
  
The symbol marking Baishe property was freshly etched on his left scapula.   
  
_What...? Why?_  
  
There were blots of blood on the carpet and that’s when he noticed Yoh’s lips were dripping.   
  
In front of Yoh, Fei Long squatted with an open robe tied at the waist, the hem barely covering his thighs and everything in between. The end of his smoking pipe in his mouth was just below Yoh’s chin, the smoke touching but not the rim of the metal.   
The demure smile on his master’s lips were menacing and mesmerizing.   
  
_What the hell were you two doing?! And why did you let me in?!_  
  
Something was definitely wrong. Even if he’d seen his master and Yoh naked from their baths many times before, the sensuality in the air enwrapped his senses. Having half their clothing on seemed more dangerous than the weapons they carried.   
  
_I want to turn my eyes away but I can’t…_  
 _Why is this happening?_  
  
With dark playfulness, Fei Long finally turned to look at Tao. “Take off the blindfold.”   
  
The agitated boy came forward to untie the soft material. Yoh remained absolutely still though he was sweating heavily, his vision pointed downwards to the carpet.   
  
Tao couldn’t explain it, but even as Fei Long stood up, the shadows and dimmed lights accentuated his alluring charisma. Although the scene presented another message to be deciphered, blatant and truthful, he didn’t want to poke it or it would splatter before him.   
But it was bursting to be pricked.   
  
It was all too convenient to have him enter their secret realm.   
  
_What are you trying to show me now, Fei-sama?_  
  
 _But I know deep inside what this means because it’s painful. I can’t breathe. My heart is cracking open and gushing itself out._  
  
Without being asked, the boy’s words protruded sharply through Fei Long’s chest, “Is this your warning for me?”   
The master didn’t say anything.   
  
“If you’re going to keep hurting yourself this way, I don’t want to be a part of it. That goes for either of you.”   
Continuing to say nothing, the knife twisted hideously into Tao’s heart even further.   
  
Fei Long suddenly pinched Yoh’s jaw, crushing it so he could witness Yoh wincing to the cruel caress.   
  
“You are dismissed.”   
  
To Tao’s ears, the order came distantly, farther than the twelve feet between them.   
  
Standing by the door, he heard everything and was tortured. For years, even for an hour or two at a time, Yoh had woken him up to guard the door because he was the only one he’d trusted to be outside while he was inside. But he’d never heard anything.   
In his ignorance, he hadn’t suspected a thing.   
  
_It made sense why Yoh would come out and then I’d see a cut on his cheek or a bright blue bruise on his neck. Inconspicuous blemishes I thought that only came from protecting the master or from scuffles with rivals._  
  
 _Little did I know what had really been going on._  
 _This is what they’ve been doing all these years? Their ongoing cat and mouse game: The cat pawed cunningly at the mouse while the mouse pretended to cower out of deference._  
  
 _Yoh was taking the pain that Fei-sama refused to outwardly show…_  
  
 _I won’t cry. I AM STEEL. After all, you’re the one who taught me how!_  
  
 _Master, you went to such lengths to clearly state that_ this _was my punishment…_   
  
_…but why am I more angry and hurt that I have another reason to be jealous of Yoh?_  
  
So at the tip of dawn, when Yoh came out of the room and resumed his post, he was as self-possessed as ever, the lake left undisturbed even if the murkiness of the bottom bubbled its dormant activities. Childishly, Tao gave him a resentful look and bit his lip, the waterfall about to fall forth from waiting in torment _._   
  
_I could barely reach out my hands to his collar as my lower lip quivered. The hurricane of thoughts were unable to come out in words, the fury and the fact I was put in my place by doubtlessly showing how far our gap was. And it was widening the longer I took towards my goal._  
  
 _Yoh stood sturdily with his hands folded before him as I walked back to my room._  
  
 _Even when we trained like usual later on that day and I saw the scratches above his collarbone, the imprints on the wrists even under the cuffs (because he insisted on always wearing a suit through anything, saying it was his own cloak of invincibility), and the raw, swollen lips that taunted me, I poured out all my grievances though I kept my face completely stolid._  
  
 _So this is what Yoh must feel like…_  
  
 _Then, he finally opened his mouth. “Yesterday was the anniversary that He lost everything, Tao.”_  
  
 _Even if that was the truth, he made it obvious to me that this was His weapon for keeping me away_ ./   
  
**Tsuzuku… / To be continued…**


	2. Part 2 / Present – Will to live.  Protection.  Devotion.

**Disclaimer: Though it belongs to the stunning Yamane Ayano-sensei, Finder no Hyouteki is one of my obsessions so that’s why we’re here still enjoying writing for it. :) (Well, that and I swear she’s really one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever met in my life.)**

  
  
/ **There are times I’ve wondered about who I am as I stand on different platforms.**  
  
 **For I’ve seen the top. And I’ve also survived through the bottom. But within my soul, I’ve experienced the dregs. Not out of self-pity, but due to exhaustion, withdrawal from the world to want to be alone as news came about leaders or other people related to our intricate network.**  
 **The spider lines of life always above, blocking my way from the sun.**  
  
 **Looking down from the rooftop of what I’m recreating, I know I voluntarily make myself bait to be hunted at any time. But I don’t care. I won’t stop being who I am even if they throw acid to scald me or thrust power-hungry daggers into my flesh.**  
  
 **I won’t step back from the light anymore even if I’m not meant to be under it.**  
  
 **I closed my eyes and then saw Akihito’s back. “Just give the deed back to Fei Long. It belongs to him.”**  
 **With that, the issue was forcefully closed with Asami’s agreement.**  
  
 **Was that the reason you came back for him? That no matter what, Akihito could forgive what we couldn’t? That even though I’d violated spaces I shouldn’t have dared to, he still risked his life for me twice?**  
  
 **To save me against your gun. To fight for Tao within our divided group.**  
  
 **What a remarkable being you are, Akihito.**  
  
 **Though I envy your bond, I want the true power you hold. I who supposedly conduct all the mafia strings haven’t been able to defeat the tenacity you have: That natural tendency for the will to live.**  
  
 **Somehow, I’ve dropped it along the way here.**  
  
 **While opening my eyes to the new dawn, I saw Tao’s back, pulling the trigger with ease and while missing the cardboard heart, he’d pulverized mine. For a second, everything blurred and I couldn’t hear or feel anything.**  
 **Suddenly, I’d remembered when I shot someone point-blank. It wasn’t like I hadn’t done the action multiple times, but looking at the lifeless body, something dislodged itself from my being.**  
  
 **I didn’t feel anything. No hate. No pain. No guilt. I didn’t fucking care.**  
 **My humanity had dripped away in IV-sized timeliness with every bullet I stuck into someone else.**  
  
 **And I knew I was losing Tao without him being conscious of it happening…**  
  
 **I bent my head forward, unable to hold my head up for the sun’s perusal.**  
  
 **How many times have I had to restrategize and rebuild this organization? Over and over, it breaks between my hands and what’s left of me. Yet, I won’t give it up.**  
  
 **It’s the only thing you left me, Father, but why can’t I let it go? What am I still hoping to save by-**  
  
“Leader.”  
  
Master was the title he used only behind closed bedroom doors.  
  
“Yoh.”  
Fei Long turned towards his direction as the scene behind him changed. The billowing clouds flowing, ocean waves swaying wildly directionless, and slanted hills with thousands of glass windows reflecting the sun bathing its intensity upon the awakening island.   
  
With the wind rolling between them, the master grimly peered at the box next to him and opened it, saying, “Step forward.”  
As he approached, Yoh couldn’t help but admire the vivid scene unfolding.  
  
Everywhere you place him, he’s a living painting. Your eyes are naturally drawn towards his aura. And yet, he has no idea how much the light gravitates to possess him.  
  
Because you’re familiar with the darkness, the more blinding your light is.   
  
Just like the long-tongued bat, a soaring, iridescent butterfly in a cave, ever since you flew by me, I was ensnared.   
I could no longer place my eyes on anything else around me.  
  
Nothing else exists for me.  
  
Walking closer and closer, Fei Long eyed him viciously, wanting to pull Yoh’s collar and brutally strangle him. His whole body was still, a serpent poised to bite with its poison-infused agony and anger. With the echoes of the wind, he shouted “Why were you right, Yoh? WHY?”  
  
Outwardly contemplative and inwardly distressed, Yoh took a deep breath. He’d never seen Fei Long lose himself before, confused on what to do. In the various situations he’d been in (and there had been many shades and configurations), he always found the most efficient ways to deflect any problems he encountered, but this was one where his mind failed him.   
He couldn’t come up with any solution to this.  
  
He’d never felt so utterly useless.  
  
Even with all his dignity, Fei Long gave a scathing look of accusation though the blame was on all three of them. Against his will, tears fell and fell with no words exchanged, except the ones squeezing Yoh’s soul in despair, the one he’d sold to Fei Long way before he realized high esteem had warped into obsession.   
  
Fei Long took the item from the box and held it for a moment. Then he gave the silver handgun to Yoh. “Make sure you train him well. Enough that he can replace you.”  
  
 **I still haven’t forgiven you. For then or for now.**  
  
“Yes.”  
  
The master was about to turn around to view the dawn when, from behind, Yoh lightly covered his eyes with his handkerchief. “The dust up here seems to have affected your eyes.”  
  
Not even the sun should see you cry.  
  
Fei Long lifted up his left hand to slightly push the cloth onto his eyes, feeling the warm palm against half of his face before pulling Yoh’s fingers and flicking the hand away. The handkerchief fell and the wind carried it off the roof.  
  
Tap, tap, tap…  
Yoh walked back and stood by the roof’s entrance, waiting for his next set of orders. He gazed at Fei Long’s elongated shadow, thinking about the new gun concealed onto his body and the vacant inner jacket pocket over his left breast.   
  
Both the gun to be given later for Tao’s use and the missing handkerchief weighed much more than they should have./  
  
  
 **Part 2 / Present – Will to live. Protection. Devotion.**  
  
  
Twelve seasons have passed since that initial night of guard duty.  
  
No matter how many times he’s done it, Tao still hasn’t learned to anesthetize his anxieties because as soon as Yoh steps away from their master’s threshold, dual ropes of respect and acrimony strap him.  
  
Maybe it’s the humidity, but tonight’s atmosphere prickles his skin in all the wrong ways.   
While waiting for Yoh to reappear, the weird vibrations in the air suffocate his guts, coiling remorselessly. From the time he opened his eyes that morning and especially after that lapse of indiscretion on the master’s part, the boy’s been unsettled and restless.   
The whole day’s been scraping into his sanity, provoking his instincts into overdrive.  
  
 _Why can’t I calm down?_  
  
Strangely, at the peak of total darkness of the moonless night, Yoh emerges from the room but doesn’t close the door. He signals for Tao to enter and when he does, Yoh sweeps it without a click. The only light in the room gradually diminishes until he and Fei Long are nearly enshrouded in total blackness with only a thin line of radiance peeking from the curtains.   
  
_Since that day, I’ve never come in this late at night. Why test me now?_  
  
“Come.”  
He hears the direction of the voice, but cannot see the body that carries it.  
  
The boy gulps, preparing for the confrontation, whatever it may be.   
Regardless, he confidently steps through without hesitation, back straight with a serious face though his heart beats furiously that his ribs might break from sheer force. He feels his way through and soon reaches the foot of the bed.  
Before his knee hits the mattress’s border, from the shadows, loving arms envelop his waist. Fei Long takes a long, drawn-out breath, acting out exactly what he’d wanted to do earlier under the bathroom lights.   
  
Even then, he can’t shed every semblance of pride, teasing, “You knew exactly where I was.”  
On point, Tao replies assuredly, “No matter where you are, I can feel you, Fei-sama.”  
  
 _If I were blind, your colors would still shine brightly to me. I wouldn’t be able to ignore them._  
  
Tao doesn’t question what is going on, but leans forward, grasping blindly for the master’s hair, running his fingers through the familiar scalp and hugs him, pressing his forehead towards his chest. With all his might, he closes his eyes and puts his cheek over his master’s head, clutching desperately back.  
  
 _Over the years, I figured out why today was special. Yoh would give hints or I’d piece some of the loose information together:_  
  
 _When my father lost all reason over you._  
 _When Grandfather’s acquaintance passed away._  
 _When the one named Asami left only to return for Akihito. At the time, I’d also been envious of him though I couldn’t comprehend why…_  
  
 _If only I’d known that’s why you were searching for me at such an odd hour of the day and found us at the shooting range, then I wouldn’t have hurt you so much..._  
  
 _The day you’d adopted me._  
  
 _All of these things happened, as well as your bouts of inward retreats (these times of personal grieving), close to the date of the anniversary of your Father’s death. That isn’t a coincidence, is it?_  
  
 _You can withstand many things, Fei-sama, but how long can you endure the pressure? Even steel isn’t impenetrable. It’ll rust from the weather beating onto it._  
  
He embraces his head tighter and Fei Long’s hands unclasp, holding onto his hips with his mouth kissing Tao’s stomach through the clothing. This time Tao doesn’t pull away and savors the touch for whatever purpose it serves. The hands over the boy’s hips grab on harder to make sure everything’s still real and not a dream.   
  
_All the while, you’re perfectly aware of trying to murder this feeling developing me inside of me too._  
  
The boy’s fingers drum softly through the strands of hair onto the master’s nape, signaling an invitation.  
  
 _But I refuse to let you kill it._  
  
Fingertips slip halfway through the waistband and Tao takes a slow breath. Fei Long smirks, pressing his thumbs into the dip of the pelvis, greedily gripping to elicit a vocal response, “Mm!”   
The boy winces and tenses up, but still runs his comforting fingers through the master’s hair.   
  
_Yes, learn to depend on me more, Fei…_  
  
Satisfied, the master closes his eyes, once again pressing his head onto the boy’s sturdy body for stability.  
  
A long period of quietude ensues until Fei Long reaches emotional equilibrium and announces, “Tell Yoh that I want to have a drink at _that_ place.”  
“Yes, Fei-sama.”  
  
When he pulls away, Fei Long already misses the intense heat of that sweetness. His blood grows cold once more.  
  
 **+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/**  
  
Two expensive, navy and silver-toned cars park behind a stately manor. It’s tall and splendorous with the subtlest hues of forlorn abandonment.   
  
Five guards circle around the premises, three rotating the perimeter and two walking through the maze of empty rooms before signaling it is safe to enter.  
Impassionately, the master gazes at the weather through the tinted windows of the car. As the skies percolate, the winds begin to fight one another. The pressure begins to lash at everything in sight with whispers turning into howling.  
  
When they give the okay, Fei Long and Tao get out of the car as Yoh walks beside them with a large umbrella. Two guards exit and stay by the gated door after the three cross the threshold of the back entrance.  
  
After turning on a few lights in the kitchen, Fei Long gets a kettle to boil some water.  
Tao reaches out to stop him. “I can do this. You shouldn’t have to.”   
The master shakes his head. “No, I must be the one-“  
Wordlessly, Yoh slips his hand between them and pours some water from the sink.  
“Fine,” the master finishes and leaves the kitchen, but as soon as he and the boy step into the hallway, he stops. “Tao, what is wrong?”  
“I…” The boy is at a loss for words.  
  
Tao can’t push away the building apprehension. The inner panic from the start of the day hits with sickening speed.   
  
Fei Long sees the panic in Tao’s eyes while his body attempts to clamp all the negativity into its flesh-covered container, not wanting to let it take over.   
  
**You’re truly honest. I feel the knives cut me too as we step into this familiar labyrinth.**  
  
He reaches out to graze his knuckles down the boy’s cheek.  
  
 **But I will not apologize for bringing you here.**  
  
Walking ahead, Tao watches the artificial light from the outside coming through the boxes of square window panels, the shadows of rustling trees wave along the contours of Fei Long’s body as they walk down the hallway.  
  
 _I didn’t ever think we’d come back. Why are we even here?_  
  
He turns his head from side to side to half-opened and closed doors, unhinging ghostly pieces of the past that still haunt these rooms, the times he’d meet his father and the fewer ones of looking in on his grandfather. To him, the callous, hard-edged gentleman and the affected, meticulous strategist were total opposites.  
  
With each step they take, he has no idea of what to do with this war of memories.  
The farther they tread down the hallway, trickles of the past permeate seamlessly into his consciousness: Hiding behind doors to catch a glimpse of Fei Long, running out to the garden and out of his father’s reach, bowing his head and unexpectedly being acknowledged by Grandfather.   
  
Faster and faster, the mini movies keep rolling with film he cut out or that disintegrated with time.  
Each contrasting emotion curls his chest into some demented form, making him sicker than he already feels, but he pretends to deaden the effects so that Fei Long won’t worry more about him.   
  
_There are too many things I wish I could forget…_  
  
Away from Fei Long’s eyesight, he secretly holds onto his arm, feeling the veins of his wrist with his thumb.  
  
 _Father lost himself to you. I didn’t understand what they meant then, but I’m afraid of myself sometimes. These are the things I can’t ever say to you._  
 _Will you also fear and hate me for what I really want to achieve, Fei-sama?_  
  
Pockets of wind press into the house and its chilly fingers slowly poke up his vertebrae.  
  
 _Am I like_ him _after all?_  
  
Click. The master unlocks the door at the far end of the house, the innermost room which offers solace and hides atrocities.  
The boy can't believe he'll see his grandfather’s study again.  
  
Fei Long doesn’t bother to turn on the lamps and takes a deep breath when he enters. Tao follows right after, but leaves the door halfway closed. He stops in place to enjoy the poignancy: Fei Long goes to the library of books and his fingers examine the titles with a yearning look of nostalgia.   
  
Then, his eyes rove over the dustless furniture: The shelves of leather-bound books, the Tiffani lamps in certain corners of the room, the hand-stitched rug with its somber yet vivid colors.  
Wherever he glimpses, this place looks anything but neglected, as if always ready for life to come back to it.  
  
 _Everything looks perfectly preserved._  
  
 _So you’ve been taking care of this house all this time?_  
  
He runs his left palm along the spine of the spotless leather couch and remembers sitting there one time while waiting for his grandfather to finish his phone conversation.  
  
 _How much you must love Grandfather that you’ve kept his office immaculate._  
  
Tao has no words for all the things pushing down his throat from his brain. They’re choking him all the same. More pictures of yesterday crowd his psyche…  
  
 _Though it must be very painful to stand here, much more embedded than you’ll ever let me know…_  
 _There’s no hate in your eyes._  
  
 _Never once after saving me did I ever hear you speak ill of my own father._  
  
…but he’s more moved by the magnificent ones of the present. They’re painting over the unbeautiful regrets. He smiles quietly as he watches Fei Long flip through a book, taking out a note and hiding it in his pocket.   
  
_I’ve seen you die. And I’ve seen you rise. No matter how many times the hordes of arrows come to overtake and smash your wings to the ground, you still find a way to keep flying. How do you do it?_  
  
 _If the Japanese is a dragon, and the Russian is the white tiger,_  
 _To me, you…_  
  
 _You must be the phoenix._  
  
Knock, knock.   
Yoh comes in with a tray and places it on the carved, amaranth desk before standing to the side with his arms crossed.  
The master pours out the tea from behind the desk and calls out the boy’s name. When he steps forward, he gives him tea, cupping his hands over the boy’s, but the boy insists on pouring the master’s tea. When he’s about to go to the couch, the master makes him uncomfortably half sit on his grandfather’s desk because he refuses to have him any farther than that. The boy thinks it’s rude, but his master is insistent that they drink tea facing one another.  
  
Leaning against the wall behind the former boss’s chair with one arm over his waist, Fei Long takes a sip. “There is something we need to discuss.”  
  
That jarring tension underlying his master’s tone reaches into his stomach and pulls out his intestines.  
  
“Yes?”  
  
He reaches out to place the ceramic cup onto the tray next to Tao’s right side.   
  
When the cup is about to touch the metal surface, for a split-second, Tao sees a teeny dot of light on the master’s head. He drops his cup and it splits into indistinguishable pieces when it reaches the floor with Yoh shouting as Tao holds his arms out to hug Fei Long, shielding him…  
  
Shht~!  
  
It rips through the boy’s flesh and grazes his master’s arm. But when he reaches under his clothing to point his gun outward, the window completely shatters with pieces flinging everywhere in the wind. With all his strength, he pushes the master out of the way when they shoot again. Another surge of blood gushes out of him. A body falls to the grass outside as Yoh jumps over and slides on the desk to cover the both of them, shooting again until there’s a distant thud echoing through his ears.   
  
Disassociating the pain and the pulsating red color leaking away, the boy blinks through the conglomerate of loud voices shouting his name. They soften as he’s losing consciousness while falling to the floor…  
  
He looks up with Fei Long rising to his feet with the vision to kill.  
  
 **+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/**  
  
“You…” Fei Long faces the open door of the warehouse, straining to listen to the rush of the waves, the ones his brother used to send him to in order to calm his head. It does no good because all he hears is the metallic rain clattering harder onto the cement, his heart pounding in the same erratic rhythm. His fists shake along with the wrath radiating from all his body, pushing through his crimson fingertips.   
There is nothing but red behind him, the puddles lengthening their snake streams upon the floor.  
  
Drip. Drip. Drip.  
The mixed blood drops from his clothing, his palms, his right cheek.  
  
“ _Where_ did he get those marks?!” The deadly bite of those words sink into Yoh, rancor pouring faster than all the mangled bodies spread out around them. “I have _never_ sent him out.”  
  
/As they rip Tao’s shirt to stop the bleeding on the way to the doctor’s, Fei Long is horrified to see the scars, stitches, and cuts on Tao’s chest./   
  
**Why did I never know?! It never occurred to me ask why he never wanted to change in front me. I thought it was just because of his age…**  
  
“He insisted I bring him. There were times I could not avoid it or I’d be too late.”  
“You were supposed to keep an eye on him.”  
“Not to treat him as a child. He is my comrade.”  
“He…!” Fei closed his eyes in contemplation and frustration, blood pressure increasing.   
  
“I trained him as you had ordered. He is to replace me so I showed him exactly what I do. Actually, he repeatedly accompanied me from the moment I gave him his gun.”  
  
He knows Yoh isn’t the type to be sarcastic.  
  
 **Just how far did you show him, Yoh?**  
  
“…” Fei Long couldn’t respond, unable to open his mouth. His head lowers so that his hair blocks his face.   
  
Yoh looks straight on, ready for anything…  
  
…anything but his master turning around to face him with that distant look of defeat. The same one in prison where he gradually drained away, withdrawing into himself.  
He’s allowed to see his misery before pride encapsulates his whole being again.  
  
Yoh’s mind blanks out at the silent resignation though Fei Long’s still fighting against giving in, his nails cutting into his palm.   
He’s helped in carving his heart out, just as he’d commanded, watch it happen and now serves it back full-course on a platinum platter. He knew Fei Long constantly denied the existence of his feelings for Tao, but looked the other way. After all, you can’t stop a fellow worshipper or addict. In his own case, both applied.  
  
Though his hands long to console him, he knows he can’t.  
  
With Fei Long still looking on, he comments, “Embrace the gift you’ve been given. It is reaching out for you of its own free will. Even knowing everything, he chose you.   
“Those marks are the proof.”  
  
With or without me, he’d have found a way to take the blinders off.   
  
He then takes out his main gun and lays it out on the floor between them. “I’ve fulfilled the job I was supposed to do.”  
  
You only kept me alive after the deed incident to train him until he was of age and ready to carry on. I believe he is now.  
  
Then he pulls the other one hidden in the back against his spine. “With time, he will be your heir.”  
  
Tao will pull you out this time…  
…so I don’t need to watch you anymore, right, Fei Long?  
  
“So you are free to dispose of me.” Taking out the lighter and the watch, he aligns it with the other items on the floor. Imperceptibly, his fingers linger a second longer on the watch.  
  
I’ve kept my promise, Asami-sama.  
  
He only keeps the suit and shoes, remnants from his time under his last boss’s care.  
  
I’ve been evading death for a long time.  
  
“What are you stripping for? Go immediately to Tao. I have some more business to attend to.”  
“Do you need my assistance?”  
Fei Long shakes his head and lifts it up. Yoh meets the sadistic eyes quivering with outrage.  
  
The master simply answers with murderous seduction, “No.”  
  
Ah…That flicker of life. Only now it isn’t ignited by Asami.  
  
 **Protect my life.**  
  
“I understand.” Yoh bows his head and then kneels on one knee to pick up his things. His eyes swipe around to see the savagery of indiscernible bodies that are now being piled together: Fractured bones, pieces of fingers, torsos and heads filled with many lead holes, broken teeth, and peeled skin that would soon be burned.  
  
How wrong you all were to say Tao is his weakness.   
  
Looking up to Fei Long, he catches his master regarding him in severity.   
  
**You never turn away or blink at my ugliness, Yoh.**  
  
 **Such devotion becomes a living hell…**  
 **…so why do you continue to keep following me until I rot your soul away?**  
  
 **Yet knowing all this, you still let me do as I please.**  
  
  
 **Tsuzuku…/To be continued…**


	3. Part 3 / To the Future – With Emotion, Pride, and Faith.

**Disclaimer: Finder no Hyouteki belongs to Yamane Ayano-sensei. This is made in appreciation to a work that changed a part of my life.**  
  
/On a whim before locking the whole mansion, Fei Long took one last strode and stopped at his father’s study. While looking through his father’s desk, he accidently found a note stuck in a thin, secret drawer under his desk. The combination of the lock was his real birthday rather than the day he’d come to their household. It was more puzzling that inside of it was nothing but a single sheet torn from an old ledger.   
The note read,  
  
“I hope this finds you well, Fei Long.  
  
There are many things I wish to explain, but time has run out.  
  
I’d always wondered why I said yes to my friend’s request but I understood why when I saw Yanzhui bandaging your wrist while you were both practicing martial arts. Before everything got in the way.  
  
You brought out the goodness I’d long forgotten inside this world. From that, everything else seemed almost meaningless and I regretted forcing you and your brother onto this side of the world. A decision I consciously made and accepted for myself.  
  
There appears to be two sides to a mirror, but that isn’t true. Inside this mirror, there are multiple facets. It depends on the light and the components used to create it. And within are many other dimensions yet to be discovered.  
From the ‘outside’, our world holds the shaded, unknown parts. What people project and what actually exists, those inside are the only ones who know the truth dwelling here. Without us, ‘they’ cannot exist. And without this preset ‘opposition’, they can’t believe what’s ‘right’ in their own convictions.  
  
So it doesn’t matter which side of the surface you’re on.  
  
We aren’t born to what we would have chosen, but we are still free to choose what we can leave.  
Whatever you think it is, I hope I’ve left something for you that makes you happy, constrained as it may be. Remember to share it with your brother too.”  
  
 **Father had known he didn’t have much longer to live, but all he thought of was us…**  
  
He knelt on the floor, placing the note over his scar. No matter how much he pushed on it, it refused to integrate with his skin, futile as his prayer was.  
  
After a long while in the silence, there was a knock on the door and Tao opened it. Seeing Fei Long on the floor, he ran to throw his arms on his neck. “Fei-sama!”  
  
Fei Long looked at his new charge and then at Yoh coming through the door, clearing his throat. “He could not wait for you in the car.”  
Wiping his face while confused, Fei Long somehow secretly chuckled that even straight-faced Yoh could become disgruntled over a child’s disobedience.   
  
Still traumatized after escaping his father, Tao nearly strangled him, but he did not mind it. The boy began to sob. “I thought you were leaving me behind.”  
Touching the back of his head, he patted it softly while clenching onto the note, pressing the paper onto the child’s hair.  
  
 **What have I gotten myself into?**  
  
This would be a bigger challenge than his whole inheritance.   
  
**I know how to lead. I know how to defend myself…**  
  
Tao embraced him for dear life, the agitated heart beating so hard it pushed vigorously through his own clothing and into Fei Long’s chest. The leader gave a pensive expression, contemplating about how to proceed from then on.  
  
 **But I don’t know how to care for someone.**  
  
He raised his chin to meet Yoh’s eyes with a remote and distant look.  
  
 **You know very well I don’t even give a fuck about myself.** /  
  
  
 **Part 3 / To the Future – With Emotion, Pride, and Faith.**  
  
  
Blink…blink…blink…  
  
It takes two nights until the boy blearily views the drumming of the sky’s hard tears against the windows. The gray mugginess outside parallels his own disorientation. Tiredly, he musters enough strength to fully open his eyes, but they meander from object to object, trying to connect the disjointed blurs.  
  
 _Where am I?_  
  
He soon recognizes the painted red-base jezebel butterflies on a vase by the windowsill, but then he focuses on the elegantly polished, dark blue kyanite statue of a rising phoenix in mid-flight, the S-curvature with outspread wings.   
  
_I’m in the master’s bedroom in our original building?_  
  
A jarring pain shoots through when he slightly shifts to one side, shocking all this senses. Grabbing himself, he sharply sips the air while gritting his teeth. Quivering, the boy refuses to cry out as the nonvisible, thick needles lunge through his side.  
  
Yoh reaches out to pat his forehead with a towel and Tao winces with sweat pouring down onto his pillow.   
“So you’re here,” he manages to say through clenched teeth.  
  
Yoh mutely adjusts Tao on the bed to a more comfortable sitting position and then dips the cloth into a glass basin to gently rub his head and neck. “Just breathe slowly.”  
Tao’s listless eyes wander around the room once more, but they don’t find what they’re looking for.   
The master is nowhere to be found.  
  
Answering his thoughts, Yoh comments, “He is executing.”   
  
He’s used to their way of life, but Yoh has never described Fei Long’s actions with such brutality.   
  
On the muted television, a female reporter stands in front of the remnants of a burned building by the bay. Through the closed captions, he reads, “A warehouse in Tsuen Wan is consumed in flames despite the typhoon. The whereabouts as to how it started are still unknown...”  
  
 _That place…didn’t Yoh and I check supplies there once?_  
  
Tao opens his eyes widely and dart towards Yoh, connecting the dots together. He knows Fei Long’s erasing the evidence away as they speak.  
  
 _He must be livid to cause that much destruction so openly._  
 _And why not? Because I’m his most prized possession? After all, I’m still the little boy under his care, only older and a few centimeters taller than him._  
  
 _The fact that he left Yoh here emphasizes that._  
  
“Shouldn’t you be with him?” Tao gives a sideways glance, not being able to meet Yoh’s eyes.   
Undaunted, Yoh shakes his head passively, noting the faintly exposed derision in Tao’s question. To him, it’s business as usual, just accelerated.  
  
“With the way he is right now…  
the monster’s been released.”  
  
The boy shudders, more disturbed by the fact Yoh’s reply shows a miniscule tint of desolation.  
  
Tao computes all the deranged information flung at him, but as much as he tries to keep a veneer of distance, the wall’s too thin. It still penetrates some part of his mind with his soul in tow.   
Cold sweat clings to his skin and runs down his back while pity springs forth.   
  
_Someday, I’ll have to pass through this door. Either way I choose, I’ll lose something…_  
 _And whatever it is, it’s sure to be ugly._  
  
Yoh calls the doctor and when she leaves after checking on Tao, Yoh coolly cuts fruit for him. “The leader from district seven acted on his own and made a deal with one of the middle rungs of the smuggling ladder for help. He didn’t like the idea of you inheriting in the future.”  
“Me? That’s a lot of effort just to knock me out.”  
Stopping midway with mango juice dripping from the sides of his hands, he looks up. “Certainly you didn’t think you were just next to him for show.”   
“I thought the ‘protégé’ thing was a title to be changed at a later date.” He purses his lips and raises his eyebrows in mock incredulity. “Because wasn’t the gun just for show to appease me?”  
  
 _That’s why I persuaded you take me wherever you went._  
  
Yoh’s gaze sweeps the floor before his lips make a vague perturbed curve. He leaves the bright ripe fruit on a saucer, wiping his hands with a cloth. A spray of mango sweetly consumes the air.  
  
“Then why was he so upset about us practicing in the first place?”  
Handing over the piece to the stand between them, Yoh replies, “You had voluntarily followed his path when he wasn’t even sure what you wanted to do yet.”  
Tao closes his eyes and dips his head forward, inhaling deeply.   
  
_I’m very happy you care this deeply for me. Although I’d been born into this twisted, sticky web from the beginning, you still kept an emergency exit to save me._  
 _Throughout all this time, you actually opposed me from taking this road…_  
  
 _But what you don’t know, Fei-sama? I’d sold myself to whomever listened when I’d said I wanted to have you. If it meant to play real-life xiangqi with you, I’d do it._  
 _No…_  
  
 _Actually, I’ve been doing it all along._  
  
“Do you know how many agree with this?”  
“Many people here have seen what you’ve done, especially working from the bottom to your current position despite being his nephew. Even the people in the districts, especially our shops, are reassured because you never stop visiting them. They respect you very much.   
“Of course, there are those who are envious, but you’re actually quite popular because you understand the organi-No. You understand our _clan_. Sometimes, I’m afraid…” Yoh clears his throat. “…more than Him.”  
“How can you even say that?”  
With conviction, the older man’s look shoots right through him. “Because you told me you’d surpass him.”  
  
And you have. Like Fei Long, you keep your vision and heart open, both inviting the danger to come after you. But you’ve turned that fear into courage to push yourself forward.  
  
This was my only way of showing you who he really is because you will be able to do what I can’t, Tao.   
It is all I can really do for the both of you.  
  
 _This is my chance…_  
  
Tao peers down into his lap and into his open hands. Then he closes them into fists until his arms begin to burn.   
  
_I wanted this so much with my whole being I’d created my own orbit for it to come to me, but now I actually have the opportunity spread out before me for the taking? Usually, these lines don’t intersect unless you pay the price._  
  
Gradually, everything’s starting to all fall into place, implausible as it seems. His fists begin to shake with anticipation.  
  
 _However, Yoh’s telling me You’re within my reach. For better or for worse, I’ll seize you with both of my hands!_  
  
The boy releases his grip and stretches his fingers out, laying his palms out flat and brings them against his eye sockets. He answers affirmatively, “I understand.”  
  
Though he’s grateful over this small window of possibility, his chest sinks into oblivion over a minor, yet (in)significant detail. The thick weight of the current state of things sucks all his strength and elation. Buried tears stay planted inside his heart, on the brink of shutting it down.  
  
 _Even if I do all this, you’re not in love with me._  
  
Uncovering his face, Tao looks decisively at Yoh. “Whatever it takes, let’s do it, Yoh.”   
  
_I can no longer go back so it shouldn’t matter now, should it? More than anything, I want your respect. Because in your mind…_  
  
 _…I’m still just high-stakes property._  
  
 **+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/**  
  
Another night passes until Fei Long returns to his original base.   
  
When he steps out of the car and looks up briefly, the sky’s outburst is shortly appeased as it latently prepares for the next one, rumbling with the never-ceasing rain that’s now deceitfully trickling.   
  
Exhausted, he immediately goes to check up on Tao, which he’s thought of endlessly for days but also wanted distance from too. But as he approaches his own bedroom, he compartmentalizes all his whorled thoughts into their separate chambers to regain some sense of self-possession.  
But things never work out the way you want them to. He longs to touch Tao’s forehead while he’s sleeping like when he was a child. Yoh said Tao had nightmares and Fei Long secretly came to run his fingers through his hair so that he’d stop mumbling in between the tears.  
  
 **I didn’t know it then, but now I long for things to be that simple. If only I’d known…I should have hugged him for both our sakes.**  
  
 **I would have pricked my heart if that could have stopped the nightmares. But now it’s too late. Instead of letting him go to stop the cycle, I let it spread until he marked himself to understand this world.**  
  
Firmly holding onto the knob, Fei Long tries to regain equanimity and opens the door to let himself in. What he doesn’t expect is an empty bed with Tao waiting at the bathroom door.   
“Good evening, Fei-sama.”  
  
The boy’s minutely stunned by his master’s appearance, but his face is devoid of panic.   
  
_There’s so much blood on his clothes…Like he’s been slaughtering meat with a cleaver._  
 _Probably has._  
  
The contrast of unguarded violence and self-exposure creates its own magnetism. Beastly eyes stare straight through him.  
  
 _Who is this person?_  
  
 **Ah…you’ve never seen me like this, have you?**  
  
The master’s chest crushes itself for a second. Upset that the boy isn’t where he should be. For finally revealing the true meaning behind his title.  
  
With black ice eyes, Fei Long scolds, “You should be resting.”  
“Why?” Tao blinks at him.  
“Don’t be stubborn.”  
“I know you’re more tired than me,” the boy retorts matter-of-factly.   
  
Without reservations, Tao willfully steps forward and smiles as best as he can, covering Fei Long’s head with the towel in his hands. Pulling a corner, he starts to wipe his face. “Welcome back.”  
  
 _Whatever happened, it doesn’t matter because I love you. You are yourself._  
  
The master’s eyes close for a second, ingesting those words along with the unspoken ones transmitting through the boy’s fingers. With a long deep breath, when he opens his eyes once more, he’s out of his vengeful trance. The uncontrollable anger outside of these walls finally quells into a mere whisper.  
  
Silently, he steps into the bathroom. Tao helps him to undress, but when he tries to pick up the damaged clothing, Fei Long commands, “Leave those. I will have them all burned later.”  
  
 **I don’t want to remember _any_ of this.**  
  
“Wash your legs before you get into the tub.”  
Both of the boy’s eyebrows rise. He’s never been instructed to do this before and wonders if he’s heard correctly, but the master patiently waits for him. His insistent gaze doesn’t turn away even when he finds himself taking off his pants and rinses his legs.  
Half-clothed and behind his naked master, the boy helps to soap his shoulders and back, along with shampooing his hair. Specks of water fall onto his top, but he diligently takes off all the grime while trying not to show his puzzlement.  
  
When Fei Long turns off the water, Tao is about to reach out for a towel when he sees Fei Long’s plugged the drain. “I will soak in the tub.”  
“Then I should get-“  
“No, you stay here.” Fei Long points to a corner. “Sit down there.”  
Tao sits in the small space between the short tier for storage space and the tub, at the farthest point from the faucet. Before him, the master also sits down and waits for the water to be at least above his chest and around Tao’s calves before shutting it off.  
Without warning, he presses his back onto Tao’s legs and lays his head onto his lap. Looking up, he blinks at him and then closes his eyes.  
  
Bending forward a bit, Tao ignores the pain shooting into his side because he’s able to view this side of Fei Long. For one prolonged moment, he can see him as he is, not before or after, but as he is now without all the responsibilities on his shoulders.  
  
 _You’re allowing me to be this close to you?_  
  
 _Taking the shots and all those horrible experiences almost feel like a bad dream compared to now. Everything has been worth it to see this expression on you face and feel this much happiness._  
  
 _I could break right now and not even know how or why._  
  
Lifting his hands, the boy pushes his master’s hair away from his face and behind his ear before massaging his head. Kneading his thumbs into his forehead and index fingers on the temples, he breathes in slowly, staring at the relaxed face.  
  
 _Rest for now, Fei-sama._  
 _Because once you step out, you’ll be on your guard. And then you’ll put the barrier up between us again._  
  
Napping peacefully, the master wordlessly lies there in his lap. The boy continues to peer down at him and runs his fingers through the hair, lovingly massaging the whole scalp.  
  
All the while, he’s glad his master has returned safely.  
  
From where he is, Fei Long knows he’s touched some part of heaven after walking through another layer of hell. The fingers rub and caress, sending tingles not only to his brain…  
Out of nowhere, he reaches out to pull Tao’s forearms and kisses his wrists. He finds himself licking the center of his palms.  
  
 **I knew I could have let you live a normal life, but when you embraced me that day, I was too weak to let you go.**  
 **You’ve always valued my life more than I ever did. If you only knew, Tao…**  
  
Burning scarlet, Tao looks down at Fei Long’s face as he lets go of the boy’s arms to hold his cheeks, sweeping his pinky over his lips. Finally, he opens his eyes to stare up at the boy’s bemused expression.  
  
 **I only lived to see today because of you.**  
  
 **+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/**  
  
After helping to comb the master’s hair and put a robe over his shoulders, the boy puts his pants on while Yoh waits for him outside the bedroom door. But when they get to the bedroom, there is tension again in the air as the master sits down, regarding the city from his old bedroom in the building his father had built.  
  
The boy stands and watches him attentively, but cannot sigh that the full transformation is complete. He could be in another island and still feel closer to his master than he does now.  
  
Only a few feet away and his master feels the same chasm between them as it opens its mouth wider to swallow everything in between. This isn’t the time or place to bring up what he’s learned while slitting the throats of opposers, but Fei Long has another battle to confront. He’s in no condition to fight and not with the boy, but if he doesn’t ask him now, it will hack into him, depriving him of much needed sleep.  
  
“After this, you’re leaving, aren’t you?” the master roars in a frighteningly placid tone.  
  
 _Did you figure that out while you were ‘executing’?_  
  
“It’s my turn to do the rounds.”  
“You’re in no condition to leave.”  
“You’ve done your part.” The boy’s eyes look straight into his reflection. “And I must do mine. I won’t back down for their sake.”  
“How long have you been doing this behind my back?” Fei Long faces his mirrored figure before focusing on their building across the harbor.  
“I didn’t. I’ve just been doing half of Yoh’s duties.”  
“What’s the purpose of this? How many times are you going to defy me, Tao?”  
  
Fei Long continues to watch the boats float along the harbor in their fluorescent colors with downcast eyes. Tao continues to ask for approval from the master’s reflection. The barrier’s becoming harder and taller while they speak.  
  
“I didn’t do it to hurt you, if that’s what you mean.”  
  
 _It’s the opposite…_  
  
 **Then why while I was going around, did the people imply they were ready for you to take over?**  
 **How long have you been laying pieces to checkmate me?**  
  
With his side and chest aching, the boy moves closer towards the rising aura of hostility. “I figured out why you brought me to Grandfather’s home.”   
  
_You were thinking of making it official, weren’t you?_  
  
Apathetically, Fei Long finally turns around and stares at him from the side of the bed. He knew this day would come, but he didn’t think it would be now with time suddenly ticking faster for the clash to come. But he’s starting to feel the effects of being completely mentally wiped out and his bones dried out of their marrow rather than an adrenaline rush.   
  
**No, not now. I don’t want to deal with it. Maybe not ever, but…**  
  
With the stiff bandages over his left shoulder and abdomen compressing his movements more than ever, Tao bites his lower lip and steps closer to the side of the bed, reaching to touch Fei Long’s chin so that they’ll face one another.   
“Whether or not you like it, I _will_ become the Baishe’s leader after you.”  
  
Fei Long eyes him, trying to breathe in calmly, but vaguely recognizes the obsessive mettle in Tao’s blood, the same one he’d tried to run away from decades ago.  
  
 **Why does your face have to appear before me now? After all we’ve been through, I still can’t hate you, Yanzhui.**  
  
“I’m not retiring any time soon so don’t be too earnest to take my place.”   
  
The metal plates of pride assemble their defenses. Before falling back to the past, Fei Long keeps his feet firmly planted for leverage in the present.   
  
**This is the only place I have. Though the title punctures me incessantly, it’s the one I’ve obtained from my father and brother, even by default.**  
 **Being my only fixed piece of reality within the havoc of my circumstances, this position keeps me grounded and connected to _something_. I know exactly how to play this role, but without it, I know I’ll roam around aimlessly. Going from person to person and searching…**  
  
 **No other place is safe for me.**  
 **Not even the borders of my mind. Nor the complex locks inside my heart.**  
  
 **Without it, I’m nothing. I know that very well. No one would care for me otherwise.**  
  
 **And now, even you want to take it away from me?**  
 **Or is it me you want to own?**  
  
Resentful, Fei Long furrows his brow, scoffing while pulling his chin away and getting up. He walks over to the crystal phoenix, sliding his index finger on the ripples of wings. “Then prove to me you deserve this title.”  
  
 **Because I won’t hand myself over so easily!**  
  
“Do you know _why_ I’ve been pushing myself all these years?”  
The master doesn’t offer any replies, his face completely blank of emotion. An unknown anesthesia spreads out in his veins, blood pumping colder from what’s left of his heart.  
  
“I’ve always wondered why you would go to such lengths to torture all my feelings for you.” Tao walks forward, ignoring the invisible spears digging to reopen his wound. “Why you keep pushing this excuse between us that I’m only a kid. That I still need your protection.”   
Fei Long observes him approaching, but stands in place.  
  
Shamelessly, Tao grabs Fei Long’s elbows to make him look at him.   
  
Offended by the use of brute force, Fei Long struggles and manages to unclasp Tao’s hands, however Tao’s ferocity unveils itself as he puts his wide hand over Fei Long’s fist, lightly crushing the fingers to let him know he won’t be pushed around.   
  
“I’m not as weak as you want me to be.” Tao gives a lethal glare rivaling Fei Long’s.  
  
His master clenches his jaw and thinks the boy will continue to enclose his fist, but he let him go. He then uses this as an opportunity to regain his balance, but miscalculates as the boy yanks the same fist so that he can seize both of his wrists, pushing half of the master’s body onto the edge of the bed and locking his leg in between. Sprinkles of crimson start to appear on the bandaged abdomen.   
  
With an incensed-filled expression, Fei Long virulently commands, “Tao…LET. ME. GO. NOW.”  
“Face me as I AM.”  
  
Tao clasps his wrists even harder onto the mattress. The more Fei Long pulls himself up, gravity and Tao push down on him even more. Already volatile, the master’s scorn doesn’t help his struggle to push the boy off, but it’s a stand still. He doesn’t have enough energy after days of fighting for the sake of the person who’s now holding him down.   
All logic has flipped out.   
  
“But I see the answer now as I watch you. Even after all I’ve done, you _still_ don’t trust me. You don’t trust anyone.”  
  
 **That’s not true…**  
  
 _Is this what I really wanted?_  
  
Swallowing hard, his defiant attitude can’t hide the rims of his eyes splashed in bright red, willing himself not to cry. To not shed one tear onto the master’s face. That would be the worst humiliation.  
  
 _What the hell did I work for?!_  
  
Tao’s breathing becomes heavier and heavier, his body and heart screaming at the same time.   
Almost inaudibly, his voice pleads, “Then why did you save me from my father if you were going to kill me yourself?”  
  
Fei Long’s eyes open widely in surprise. Helplessly, he’s come face-to-face with the things he’s never wanted to say aloud.  
“I don’t want you to follow me, Tao.”   
“What makes you think you have can block me from knowing the truth? What kind of world do you think we live in?!”  
“That’s precisely why.”  
“You don’t want me to stain my hands, but…” His grip loosens as sweat falls down his forehead. He looks at him despairingly. “Who do you think disposes those bodies? Me. I didn’t just help him bury them…”  
  
The master looks on, holding his breath and trying not to react even as he feels the last drops of what he preserved of ‘himself’ being squeezed away, leaving him barren.  
  
“Burn. Shoot. Stab. Drown. I made Yoh thoroughly show me every aspect of his job.”  
  
Fei Long’s animosity quickly diminishes as he faces a new dimension of Tao he doesn’t want to accept.  
  
The boy laughs ruefully and winces. “And the first time I shot someone? The nightmares. The times I became afraid of myself. How many days did I wash my hands clean or the clothes that got stained? Until my hands began to chafe and I had to put band-aids on all my knuckles. That was the time I was helping in the kitchen so it made perfect sense. You didn’t have to ask where I’d gotten those wounds.   
“But now, I can’t hide the scars or stitches…You saw them, didn’t you?”  
  
Fei Long blinks his eyes in affirmation.  
  
“Sometimes, I made mistakes while helping Yoh. A prostitute stabbed me or I spilled the lighter fluid on myself so my clothes caught on fire.”  
  
Gulping, Fei Long’s hands twitch, wishing he could stab his ears from hearing the truth.  
  
“And I wondered why? Why do this for a man who adopted me? Who doesn’t regard me as nothing more than a nephew and cares for me like some pristine sanctuary? The same person whom others don’t want to see or understand what he carries around with him?  
“Well, I know.”   
  
Drip. Drip drip. Dripdripdrip…   
Unable to hold on any longer, tears fall down onto Fei Long’s face.   
  
Tao lets go of Fei Long and presses his hands onto the mattress and near his cheeks. “I pushed myself so that I wouldn’t be innocent. Each time I assisted Yoh, I thought of you and kept my eyes wide open so that I’d remember what you must have felt.   
“So that I can be on equal footing inside this darkness and carry it all _with_ you!”  
  
Stunned and moved beyond belief, Fei Long stares at him, swallowing hard as droplets of water splatter onto his face.  
  
 **I never knew…never realized how much you loved me.**  
 **And here I’ve been testing you over and over again to break all my walls…**  
  
 **…all to prove that you did.**  
  
“No matter how many times things break around you, you’re still strong enough to stand up and recreate them in your hands! That’s why I admire you!”  
  
As he looks down at Fei Long, he can’t follow through with it. He won’t push all of his passion, sacrifices, or selfish desires onto him. Even though he could take advantage of the situation, he’d never humiliate his precious one.  
  
“So I really don’t care how far I’ll have to go, but I _will_ make you mine someday.” He gives him a persistent gaze, the kind that makes it definite it’ll be an eventuality within the near future rather than a distant, hazy one.   
  
“And I will protect you.”  
  
 _Even from myself._  
  
“Even if you won’t accept me, that is fine, Fei-sama. Someday, somehow…I’ll set you free. Even if it appears impossible to do, I want you to be happy.   
  
With or without me next to you.”  
  
 _If I could open my flesh and tear my heart out through the ribs, only then could I touch yours._  
  
He turns his face away, something he’s never done before. He’s disappointed in himself, the shame of giving in to his emotions than keep his level-headedness, the adhesive holding Fei Long’s impulsiveness with Yoh’s extremities together.  
He’d become Yoh’s shadow, the ‘Other’ that observed their actions from a place of light, moving forward. In this tiny space, they were able to function, keeping the master sane and secure while satisfying their unacknowledged cravings for him.  
  
Tao is well aware of his place in their dynamic. Almost too well.  
  
But all along, his blind devotion grew into an uncontrollable monster, selfishly gathering Fei Long’s secrets for himself. Those incremental displays of innocence and sweetness he’d never bare to the public, least of all to the men who follow their master without question.  
  
 _I wanted that all to myself. But without being conscious of it…_  
  
Searching through Fei Long’s eyes, the realization of his wish eats away at him.  
  
 _I am repeating my father’s mistake._  
  
“But I don’t want to do it like this. I can’t force you to see me as I want you to.”  
  
 _This isn’t how I want your respect._  
 _To corner you in all the territories you own. To force myself on you…_  
  
 _While pretending to be selfless, I’m no better than anyone else who wanted your attention. I don’t want to do what every other person wants from you!_  
 _DAMN IT ALL!_  
  
To dominate a wild animal is never wise. Their true charm and power will never bloom under those terms. He’s always understood Fei Long’s instinct could never be suppressed. Instead, it pushes him farther away into himself, making him stronger but harder to reach.  
  
Sighing, the boy resigns himself to whatever punishment is in store for him.   
When he’s about to push himself off, the pain finally overcomes him and they both slip to the ground with the master’s back against the bed. Now, he’s in the master’s lap, biting his lip and breathing tiredly.  
The master holds his face and they touch forehead to forehead. Closing his eyes for a second, the boy absorbs the coolness of those palms.  
When he pulls away, the master is still holding onto his cheeks as they watch one another intensely.   
  
Finally, Tao’s able to pull most of the alabaster pieces away and view Fei Long wholly unlike the one he’s known most of his life. He clearly sees the compassion dwelling there long before Fei Long had become their leader.  
This hidden face pleads, “Don’t let me down. I need you.”  
  
 **What did I ever hope for you to be?**  
  
Fei Long finds himself pulling Tao close towards him, sighing deeply while pressing his forehead onto his shoulder until both of his arms hug him.  
  
It’s been lifetimes since Fei Long’s been swept away by anyone‘s pace or felt guilty. After all, he’s created this for himself to fill the loneliness of empty loyalties. He’s been pondering if it was right to cheat the gods to have this boy.  
He knew it from the day Tao gave back what he thought he’d already lost within himself.  
From that time onwards, he also knew he couldn’t…  
  
No, he’d never let Tao go. Even it was against his will.  
  
 **But having exactly what I want within my grasp, do I deserve it at all?**  
  
He’d planted all the seeds, hadn’t he? Subconsciously, he kept him close and now blames himself for those feelings that weren’t true, but what he implanted there. That he’d molded Tao to fit his form of ‘trust’ as Asami would have thought it to be, the kind he yearned and ached for while Akihito was here.  
Even when Asami had tasted him, he didn’t comprehend what would drive two people to do such things to and for one another. The closest extent was his bond with his father and the lingering bittersweetness Yanzhui left behind.   
  
That was all he knew.  
  
But now, he feels the impact seeping into every part of his core. That single provocative dream with Tao unlocked many other potential suggestions he’d flung away out of necessity and discretion. They were buried in the depths of his soul, each a distorted piece of hope. Now, he can no longer suffocate them out of existence as they erupt in waves towards the boy in front of him.  
  
From the roots of his broken self, Fei Long wants to connect with all he could give. But that would mean the submission of his pride and ego. Does that also mean subjugation, giving up his right to all control over ‘himself’’?   
  
**Didn’t I tell Akihito that this just meant one person’s power dominating over another’s?**  
  
He never thought he’d desire such a thing.  
  
 **Without knowing, I’ve steered you into exactly what I’ve wanted all along.**  
  
Grazing his fingernails on Tao’s forehead and through his hair, his palm pushes against the cheekbone, until they go through the boy’s scalp. Fei Long squints and analyzes, especially as he finds himself pinching Tao’s left ear. The boy reacts by flinching, chuckling at the tickling effect.  
It comforts him, making him grin guilelessly.  
  
 **You still haven’t been contaminated…Your integrity is still intact.**  
  
Tao’s patience is a different kind of poison though. It will kill him, but he’ll still take it willingly. He’ll swallow every drop of this exquisite substance that means more than exchanging lust for lust, the one place he’d escaped from many times and slayed various times in his waking dreams.  
  
In exchange, he’ll get to touch something pure.  
  
 **I want your soul. Give it to me, Tao.**  
 **Let me rest there…**  
  
“Just how long do you plan to make me wait for you?”  
“Huh?” Tao blinks his eyes at him, still absorbing the comfort of his embrace.  
  
 **I get it now, Father…**  
 **What a mystery that I found your note at that particular time.**  
  
The note was actually one of the reasons he went berserk. It was one of the important documents stored along with the deed. But Yoh, for one reason or other, kept it safely in his possession.  
  
 **How could I ever be happy without you, Tao?**  
  
“Did I never tell you the reason I could break numerous times and still take everything?”  
The boy shakes his head.  
“You…” His hands go under the shirt, lightly tracing the boy’s marks with his fingertips as Tao gasps.  
  
“You are my pride.”  
  
Irresistibly and without a word, the boy takes his face into his hands once more and grins until his cheeks hurt. Soon, he slips his arms around his neck and presses his cheek against Fei Long’s.  
“I know you just came home, but…come with me.”  
“You should be resting as well…” he starts to say but Tao is holding his hand, ready to exit the room.  
  
 **Never listens to what I say. I wonder where he got that from?**  
  
Fei Long smirks and humbly points his head downwards, grateful that he’s lived to see this.

 **+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/**  
  
Yoh drives them through a specific route. The first stop is Mongkok. The three slip through the famous bird street and it is the first time Fei Long sees Tao and Yoh’s interaction outside of home base and without his help. He studies how the people in the shops treat Tao, though he is on ‘business’. Especially with the non-descript white t-shirt, black jean jacket with one button crossing over his chest, jeans, and black, slip on canvas shoes, Tao appears to be an entirely different person.   
  
Blatantly handsome and reliable, it somehow pinches Fei Long’s chest.  
  
 **I can no longer hold him back.**  
  
But the master is also very proud of raising a worthy heir. And before he can think any further, Tao tugs on his hand like a kid. For some reason, they are walking quickly even when his body says it’s had enough. The exhilaration in Tao’s resolve pulls him through. When the boy glances back at him, he sees a glimpse of playing with Yanzhui when they were children.   
A little part of his soul cracks at the thought…  
  
The next is Central and again, he’s amazed by the people gathering around Tao, even knowing who is. The fear for their clan remains, but there’s respect too that he never thought could exist between the worlds of night and day.  
  
 **He wasn’t trying to steal it away from me. He was calling them closer to us, whatever the consequences.**  
 **Or rather, the reason I was able to eliminate the problem because it wasn’t as rampant because of what I see here. For if they were to pick between two evils, you were the stronger choice.**  
  
They make a few more stops along the way to the other side, opposite of Kowloon Bay. Far from the fires and in a secluded area where no one will disturb them, they park at the end of the road of warehouses and just at the edge where they can already see the lapping water.  
  
Up above, the rain has let up a bit, its relentless rivers becoming tiny drops.  
Yoh is leaning on the door of the driver’s side smoking when Tao walks to the border of the tar meeting water. The tips of his shoes stick half out on the ledge.  
  
“I’d come all the way here whenever I got stressed out. It’s my secret place. Whether I vomited or got mad at myself, I always felt better after coming here.”  
He turns around to see his master’s profile. “Because from here, I can see our buildings. From this angle, they’re all somehow aligned. The tall, the short, and ones at sea level. That is all you’ve built after how many times it crumbled. It reminds me time and again what I need to protect.”  
Tao puts his hands into his pockets, deep in thought when he points his head downwards, looking at the ground with the water pushing against the border.  
  
 **When did you grow up, Tao? And why wasn’t I aware of it?**  
 **Why didn’t I understand?**  
  
The water waves around them and Fei Long closes his eyes.  
  
 **/When I was fifteen, we went to the southernmost point on the island…**  
  
 **“I won’t ever let you go.” Yanzhui held my collar, his fists shaking.**  
 **“Brother…”**  
  
 **Why won’t you look at me?**  
  
 **“I own you, Fei Long. No matter what you do, your life is mine.”**  
 **“What are you saying?”**  
 **Though Yanzhui’s lips remained a straight line, when he lifted his head, the withering guise gave me the message of, “ _I will never accept you leaving me_.”**  
  
 **I wanted to shout out, but when I saw his desperate eyes, I caught my breath. I hadn’t ever talked back before…**  
  
 **…but I found myself doing it just to spite him. “I only do what I want.”**  
  
 **He let me go, but as I turned around to leave when the tides of the beach were rolling to catch our legs, he pulled on my braid and pinched the ends in between his fingers. He couldn’t see my face because my head was pointing straight forward, but I was looking down at the blurry sand, holding back the tears threatening to betray me./**  
  
 **From then on, you were never the same.**  
  
Fei Long gulps. It was the only time someone ever said they wanted to keep him. That he belonged to someone and no one else would ever take him away.   
  
There was always a reason related to power or his beauty, but when he looked in Yanzhui’s eyes, something more existed inside them: The ‘Fei Long’ beyond those things.   
So, as twisted as it was, even with all the petty jealousies, he knew deep inside Yanzhui loved him more than anyone else. And he’d believed it until it’d turn into sea foam, a blood oath washed away with time and the reality of their situation.  
  
The thorns of that time are still nailed into his flesh within a rose-scented hope.   
He glimpses at Tao’s profile.  
  
 **Is this what you truly left behind?**  
  
The car ride back is quiet, each diving into their own thoughts and all peering at the pastel colors of the night scene from different windows.  
  
 **+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/**  
  
A few days go by, but the rains wreak their repressed power.   
  
For the time being, they’re staying in their former building, but Tao’s moved himself back to his room, insisting he’s more comfortable there than the master’s bedroom. Even with his injury, he still does his duties without any indication of how much he shudders when no one’s looking, grating his teeth when he’s alone so that the others won’t worry.  
  
 _I’m doing exactly what he does..._  
  
In the darkness, he holds onto the bedpost, attempting to get up from the floor.  
  
He doesn’t hear the door click open at all.  
  
“Tao!” The master shouts out, immediately attending to the boy.  
“What are you doing here, Fei-sama?”  
“I was just checking in on you.”  
“You don’t have to.” Clenching his teeth, the boy lifts himself from sheer will. “See? I’m fine.”  
  
The boy tries his best to smile though beads of sweat are trickling down the sides of his face.  
  
But his body is too honest. His knees buckle from exhaustion just as the master’s about to get up. He catches the boy in his arms and they both sit on the ground once more.  
“You need to get to your meeting. I helped you and everything upstairs so that you wouldn’t be late.” The boy pushes him away.   
  
_You need to get there for the negotiations after all this mess!_  
  
“Go. I promise to ask Yoh if I need any help.”  
The master isn’t listening to anything he’s saying, searching deeply for an answer that only the boy knows.   
  
_You’re too close. I can’t, especially when you’re giving me that look…_  
  
“What are you wasting your time f-“  
“I’ve waited long enough.”  
“For wh-“  
But his master’s lips already touch his.  
  
 **I will squeeze both of our hearts until they’re undefined, crushing them together so they can no longer be separated…**  
  
Alarmed, Tao’s eyes blink in astonishment and then become subdued until they slowly close.  
Pulling the boy’s chin, he leans forward to push his tongue deep into his mouth.  
Not knowing what to do, the boy grips onto the arms of the master’s suit jacket. The master pulls away to slide his tongue against the boy’s ear and he winces. Running kisses down his neck, the master starts to unbutton the boy’s top…  
  
A few minutes pass and they’ve both changed positions, sitting on the carpet and facing the open curtains showing a midnight blue sky with droplets pounding against the glass window. Tao’s back is now pressing on the edge of the side of the mattress with both of his legs spread out and Fei Long between them. With his top already tossed aside, he feels Fei Long’s warm back on his chest.   
The master’s hands place themselves over his. Together they start to undo the buttons of his master’s clothing and watch one another’s reflections from the long glass balcony door overlooking the city. The one the boy has been staring upwards for years from down below on the bay walkway whenever he returned from his errands.  
Pushing Fei Long’s hair to one side, Tao’s kisses his neck as he incredulously witnesses his master closing his eyes to feel the sensation so thoroughly his body is already reacting, slightly trembling.   
But as nervous as he is, when he slides off the blouse, he hugs Fei Long and grins, his heart rapidly beating into his master’s back.  
  
He’s imagined this in his dreams and tried to flush them out before he began his morning duties. Pointlessly shoving those images from entering his brain, reality is far from fantasy. The contrast is so rich, very different from what he’d imagined. Having his lips hot against his master’s skin. Licking it to feel the tautness of the muscle before devouring it with his teeth. Hands guiding him on what to do because he certainly doesn’t know.  
He doesn’t need to. Secretly, it would have upset Fei Long if Tao had any ideas on how to proceed from there.   
  
The master inwardly chuckles at the boy’s inexperience of what’s truly going on, but he’s thankful as well. For if he did, he’d again go on a personal vendetta. He’d never forgive another person touching what’s obviously his, this boy who’s branded through and through without the ink marks to prove it.  
  
Fei Long’s mouth sucks on Tao’s fingers, licking them each deliciously that the boy becomes gradually tighter, his pants suddenly feeling too constricted despite their loose lining.…  
  
Soon, he slips into him, the older man’s fingers grab onto the knees of the younger one. It’s much harder than he thought it’d be, since he’s usually the one giving, not taking, that time with Mikhail being an exception.  
“Nn!” He breathes hard and Tao becomes harder than he already is from the sexiness and bites his ear.  
  
With one arm crossing over Fei Long’s chest and holding onto his right shoulder, Tao’s slides his hand up and down between his thighs along with the motion of the older man’s hips moving in his lap, squeezing him so much his mind goes almost completely blank from the pain of his skin ripping and the ripples of pleasure.  
Fei Long’s right hand reaches backwards, pulling Tao’s neck so that their cheeks are sticking to one another and he smirks. Desperately, he loses himself and the control he’s always used to protect himself, slowly ebbing away with Tao whispering in his ear over and over how much he loves him as he shakes his head in denial, still resisting.  
The harder Tao pushes inside of him, he shouts out, unable to recognize his own voice. The cries of pain and ecstasy intertwine into one.  
  
The self-hatred.  
The shame of wanting to be wanted.  
The sorrow of acceptance.  
  
It all melts away into its own kind of happiness.  
  
Outside, Yoh languidly stands at the door, stone-face and cross-armed. Then, he reaches into his pocket for a cigarette, lighting it with the antique gold lighter Fei Long gave to him. He glances down to his feet and listens without saying a word, numbing himself as he always does.  
  
There is no room for jealousy. It means you have a right to possession with some kind of confidence to claim it for yourself, but he’s always known that’s the place Tao occupies. And the boy never knew. He never mattered to Fei Long, a commodity for his pure convenience.  
All of it doesn’t matter though.   
  
With or without Fei Long, my spirit would die anyway. The circumstances are irrelevant.  
  
“Yoh.”   
He immediately throws the cigarette butt into a leather pouch and places it into his back pocket.   
  
When he comes into the room and stands before Fei Long, Tao’s hands tighten around their master’s waist, embracing him tenderly.  
“Kneel.”  
  
Without a blindfold, the man in the suit kneels before their naked figures without batting an eye.   
Out of habit, he crosses his hands behind him, his wrists bound together in his mind.  
At eye-level, Fei Long stares at him. “Closer.”   
Suddenly biting his earlobe, Yoh’s shoulders tense up. Fei Long moans hoarsely into Yoh’s ear, the rush going down his ear canal.  
Tao licks Fei Long’s shoulder.  
  
 _You’re not even allowed to touch him? All the times you’ve been here, what_ have _you two been doing?!_  
  
This realization is too unnerving and now his imagination is beyond him. It drives Tao a bit crazy.  
  
Fei Long prods his index and middle fingers into Yoh’s mouth until Yoh starts to cough and choke. But through it all, Tao notices a slight curve on Yoh’s lips, enjoying the degradation. His watery, yet determined eyes look straight ahead at Tao’s.  
  
Even if he runs me to the ground, now do you understand why I’ll do anything for him, Tao?  
  
The boy nods, feeling the same exact way.  
  
 _Yes, to love what he cannot heal himself…_  
 _but isn’t it the same for all of us, Yoh?_  
  
“Fei…” Tao calls out gently and whispers something into his ear. Humbled by those words, Fei Long lowers his head and shakes it, closing his eyes in joy.   
While Tao kisses the nape of his neck, Fei Long takes out his fingers and reaches out his left hand for the back of Yoh’s head, fingers pulling his hair and grabbing him into a deep kiss. Their first one…  
  
 **Thank you.**  
  
Yoh’s eyes open widely, bewildered and overwhelmed with emotion.   
  
With his right hand, Fei Long pulls the boy’s hand to cover the imperfect, circular wound, his heart thundering into Tao’s fingertips.  
  
Moving deeper inside of him, Tao finds himself smiling as he sucks on the bone at the top of his master’s spine.  
  
 _Fine. Whatever you have in store for me, Fate, give me all you’ve got._  
 _Even if I have to plunge into death and resurrect many times over,_  
 _pulverize my body and break my soul into pieces_  
 _that even I can’t recognize myself within them._  
  
 _But until he passes away,_  
 _No matter what you throw at me,_  
 _I_ will _love this man_  
  
 _and protect the both of them._  
  
 **+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/**  
  
Within arms’ length on either side of their master, Tao is sleeping on the bed and Yoh is resting on the chair facing the open window. He gets up to retrieve something from his bag before sitting between them by the edge of the bed. He regards the book for a split-second. When he opens it, a thin sheet of glass with petals on it, an old 10x15cm picture and a short piece of rectangular gauze with dried blood drop softly onto the mattress.  
  
He carefully places his fingertips on them, touching them gently and remembers the memories embedded within each one.  
  
 **/“Strangle me if you even suspect me of betraying you ever again.” Yoh hands him a thin bandage as his blood oath./**  
  
On the glossy paper, their father held a five-year-old sleeping Fei Long, hands wrapped around his thick neck and his long braid while firmly holding onto Yanzhui’s hand as they walked around the enclosed garden. Wide-eyed, Yanzhui stared up into Fei Long’s angelic face.  
  
 **/“I found it!”**  
 **“What did you find?”**  
 **“I looked for that flower.”**  
 **“What flower?”**  
 **“The one you saved from the street.”**  
 **I gave him a baffled expression.**  
  
 **Children notice the most unusual details...**  
  
 **Tao proudly hands over petals he pressed onto a thin, microscopic glass that Yoh helped him to find. They were fading, almost translucent lilacs.**  
  
 **“It reminded me of you.” Squinting from the gleaming sun, his grin outshined even that orange orb in the sky as he happily looked up into my face.**  
  
 **This emotion…I remember I used to know it a long time ago…/**  
  
With eyes half lowered, he fondly recalls the words he said that day he took Tao to the night market, replying to his question on their way back to headquarters. The same ones the boy whispered while caressing him…  
  
 **/“When things can’t pick themselves up, you must aid them. Otherwise, they will remain helpless.”/**  
  
 **Who knew that my own words would save me in the future?**  
  
Since the time his father had passed away and Asami moved on without him, Fei Long allows himself to weep. For all that he’d lost. And now, for all that he’s gained. It took him this long to find what he’d been scavenging for throughout his life.  
  
 **Once, I thought it was impossible for me to answer your question, Asami.**  
  
He goes to sit in Yoh’s lap and rests his head on his shoulder, both watching the sun rising and the blinding sky, clearest and dazzling after the rains. Reaching out to integrate his fingers with Tao’s peacefulness, Fei Long finally understands what had started to form with Asami and his words.   
  
The fear of losing it all and still having faith in this obsessive, yet brittle, unnamed feeling wrapped with affection…  
  
…the shapes worthy of his trust.  
  
Quietly smiling, he glances at both his treasures.  
  
 **Owari.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, while creating another fic, Fei once again interrupted my thoughts. This fic seized my mind, wanting to be written. And once the idea came, many small details spilled forth out of it until I became obsessed to let it out and write everything I could. What was eight pages raw multiplied to fifty…how did this happen???
> 
> I could clearly hear Tao’s voice when writing his thoughts, so strong they hurt. Very much so…He’s fascinating, very different from any other character I’ve ever written for, anime, manga, or original stories. I think that’s why I was intrigued to the point of no return, like finding a new friend you knew you’d keep until death.  
> As I kept on digging further, I saw Yoh’s character was solid and strong, wanting to be heard as well. Since Yoh’s appearance in the manga, I’ve been in love with him. He’s the character I most identified with from the very beginning (along with Takaba’s rebelliousness and complete disregard for conventions/authority). I always wanted to write more with him but couldn’t understand how to bring out different parts of him. This fic felt incomplete without him so I’m glad I was able to write about him again. And though I thought I’d end with Tao, Fei Long came to unite them all and finally, peace came. The nagging feeling let go of me.
> 
> Underlying it all, I think this fic emerged from Vol. 2 where Asami asks him if there’s anyone whom he trusts. Over and over, Fei Long comes back to this theme all over Viewfinder. It has been 15 years since I first read it, but I still thought about it once in a while for I myself could not resolve that inner conflict as well. I can’t believe it took this long to realize that. Maybe that’s why I feel relieved after being on edge over this fic, which crept into my mind every waking moment of the day. I’d been writing and editing relentlessly, almost everyday, for these past three months. 
> 
> Oh! And in the language of flowers, lilac means “first love”.
> 
> There were so many things I want to say because this fic was such a challenge and pushed me to my limits, running me ragged. It made me face how far I’d come from the first time I wrote when I was in elementary and then a beautiful writer named Noriko (who wrote for Ranma) told me to at least post the fanfics (I didn’t even know there was such a thing then) online. I almost didn’t, but I’m glad I took her advice.   
> Honestly, I’m always struggling, but there’s a level I’ve still got to reach. There’s someone I’ve got to catch up to. And then there’s the person who prompted this fic. * shakes head and smirks * (You won’t let me live this down, will you? Lol)
> 
> But I’ll never, ever look back again. Because it’s funny, I poured more into this three-parter than I’ve done in all the years I’ve ever written. Angst-ridden as it is, I could create this even from a place of happiness so now I know it isn’t empty.
> 
> I’m very happy and satisfied with this piece so I hope you enjoyed it as much as I loved writing it, trying to knead as much love as I could into it. So if you have read all the way to the end of this, thank you!
> 
> As always, thank you for spending your time with me. It means a lot and I truly appreciate it.  
> Happy 2021 to everyone and to more fics! *happy dance*
> 
> With Much Love,  
> Yui


End file.
